It's weird how I only knew you for 13 years, but I've known you my whole life. You were there in my childhood, my teens, my early and mid adult years. You're coursing through my veins. I'll know you until the day I die. I wish I could die now because I can't live without you, and it occurs to me that you were the only purpose I had. I told you I loved you every day, often more than once, and I do think you knew that. I've been trying to think if there was anything I didn't say or didn't tell you, and the one thing I don't remember saying is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't listen to my gut and didn't stay away from that vet visit that day, but I've spent so much time worrying about things that never happened, I gave in and figured everything would be OK.
Did you know that you were supposed to be with me from the beginning? You walked right up, and there was never any looking back for either of us. You never did anything wrong in your life, do you know that? Sneaking some food was the extent of your crimes. I used to get frustrated with you when we walked around in circles for so long so late at night while trying to go to the bathroom, but I'd of course walk for hours or days or the rest of my life with you all over again if given the chance. And even knowing that it didn't end the way it was supposed to end for us, I'd do it all over again. I don't know if you planned it that way, to go the way you did, but I think you gave me signs over that last month. Rather than have some long drawn out pain and suffering, you knew it'd be better for everyone to go quick and without warning.
I can never say goodbye to you, as I'm sure you already know. So what can I do. I don't know. I'm sorry for anytime I yelled at you. I hope you can forgive me for keeping you on all those drugs for maybe longer than you wanted to be. Maybe you were already so tired and would've liked to go away earlier, but you kept going for me. Everything you did was actually for me, and I owe you more than I will ever owe anyone anything in my entire life. The greatest love and greatest soul and greatest friend I'll ever have, I can say thank you and I love you 100000000 more times but words aren't enough. Nothing is enough.
Do you remember all the driving we did? You were moved around to so many places and it never bothered you, at least it didn't seem to. When we arrived, you jumped out of the car and were ready for the next chapter. You were always ready, even when I wasn't.
Do you remember me letting you off your leash so you could run free? You'd run far away to the end of the street, but then you'd turn around and see me crouched down calling out for you, and you came running back. You did this when you were 3 years old and 13 years old and still had the same spirit and speed, barreling into me and wrapping your arms around me.
You loved jumping onto the hot piles of clean laundry, fresh from the dryer. Even as I had to eventually fold it, you tried to stay atop the pile and grunted disapprovingly each time I pulled an article of clothing away from you to fold it.
You loved bagels (and all bread really) so much. One of your first days at my office in San Francisco, and you somehow jumped up onto my desk and ate the bagel out of the bag. You loved all food actually. But it was the bagels that drove you the most crazy.
Why did one of your ears flop down for the first half of your life, but then stand straight up to match the other ear for the latter half? That left ear never flopped down again after you turned 7 or 8.
Why did that previous person return you to the shelter? (Other than the fact that you were destined to spend your life with me.) There was no explanation on the form, other than the word "returned" after they had you for 30 days. Please god tell me that I gave you a good life. Please tell me that it didn't hurt when you died. Please tell me you know I didn't abandon you. I was right there waiting for you.
I write this not to say goodbye (because again, I can't), but to tell you that I'm never going to forget you. I won't say goodbye, but I will say that I accept that this was your way to die and this was your life, and it was the one time I wasn't able to control or manage or micromanage what was happening to you. I can only respect this and let it be.
Your face in the morning. Poking your head out of the blanket at me. Always the reason. My love, my best friend. Until the next life.
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